We should get the kids together sometime!
At no time are we going to get the kids together.
[Anything longer than two sentences.]
I have so thoroughly mastered the art of dropping off and picking up my child at day care that I can actually converse with another adult while doing it, and you should feel terrible about your own parenting skills by comparison.
Jimmy, say hi to Becky’s dad!
I do not know your name, but I do know your child’s name, which feels like it should count for something.
Hey, do you want . . . I mean, if . . . you know . . . [Gestures vaguely toward phone.]
It seems like it would be enjoyable to spend time with you and your family outside of day-care drop-off and pickup, and I would like to get your phone number as a way to facilitate such an encounter, but I have not requested another person’s phone number since 2009 and have no idea how doing so works anymore.
Man, this parking lot sure is a nightmare, isn’t it?
I hit your car.
Oh, is Trevor back already?
I do not believe for one second that your child is actually over his cold, and, as soon as you leave, I will instruct the teacher to do whatever it takes to keep my child away from Trevor for the rest of the day.
Say hi to your friends again, Will!
No, but my child really is over his cold, though.
[Silence.]
My child actually started playing with the other kids instead of sobbing when I put her down, and my fear of her having a meltdown if she realizes that I am leaving is currently stronger than my fear of seeming rude if I leave without talking to any of you.
It seems like Darla and Franny really like each other!
My child occasionally mentions your child’s name during her semi-coherent, stream-of-consciousness responses to my questions about how her day went, usually in a way that seems vaguely positive, although I do feel like she may have accused Darla of biting her once.
Hey how are you good me too all right see you.
I am monomaniacally focussed on getting my child out the door and into her car seat, and will not be letting a single thing distract me from achieving this goal, despite the many interesting thoughts I have about the weather and the big game last night.
Is your kid in any dance classes or swimming lessons or anything? We’re still looking for stuff to do with Claire on the weekends.
You are giving off very strong “alpha parent” vibes, so I am desperate to figure out ways to spend more time with you and to reap the benefits of worming my way into your social circle.
The key thing to understand about “Finnegans Wake” is that James Joyce was struggling to deal with his father’s death on top of his own health problems while writing it.
I have not spoken to an adult outside of my direct family in months and no longer remember what subjects are generally considered acceptable for small talk.
Do you live around here?
I will not realize until the drive home that this was a silly question because, yes, of course you live around here, which is why your child goes to this day care, and I will spend the rest of my child’s time here avoiding you out of embarrassment.
I love my little guy so much—he just drives me crazy sometimes, ha ha!
I know that you saw me yelling at my “little guy” the other day when he refused to get in the car unless I let him taste parking-lot asphalt and I am terrified that you think I’m a bad parent now, ha ha!
Hot out today, huh?
Yeah, this one really is just about the temperature. ♦
