School drop-off
HEGSETH: Here you go, champ. Work hard, behave yourself, and first missiles launch at oh nine fifteen hours in Orange Zone 4.
CHILD: What did you say?
HEGSETH: All affected personnel are to be on heightened alert for the Hellfire launch at oh nine fifteen hours.
CHILD: Ah. I thought you said oh nine fifty, which was yesterday’s Harpoon launch, and you always say—
HEGSETH and CHILD: “Never repeat launch times on consecutive days, because it confuses Grandma in the family group text.”
Hegseth ruffles his child’s hair.
Starbucks
HEGSETH: Venti blonde vanilla latte with two per cent, extra foam, and four syrup pumps.
BARISTA: Anything else?
HEGSETH (winces like he’s restraining himself): No.
BARISTA: Name?
HEGSETH: Pete. (Pauses.) Hegseth. (Tilts head slightly for a reaction.)
BARISTA: Five minutes, Pete.
HEGSETH: It’s a common name, so, if there’s another Pete, I’m the one overseeing the F/A-18 Hornets conducting CAP and strike sorties over the Aegean Sea in T minus thirty minutes.
Barista writes down all information on coffee cup..
HEGSETH: That’s Aegean with an “A-e.”
Therapy
HEGSETH: Whatever I say in here is private, right?
THERAPIST: I’m bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, unless what you say poses a threat of immediate harm to others.
HEGSETH: What if it poses a threat of harm to ISIL combatants in the Aldhubat Quarter of Mosul?
THERAPIST: Well, I suppose in that case—
HEGSETH: And dawn isn’t exactly immediate.
THERAPIST: That’s beyond my purview. Now, last week we were talking about your anger issues.
HEGSETH: I guess they started with my dad.
THERAPIST: Your father?
HEGSETH: Yeah, my old man. (A single tear rolls down his cheek.) Three-three degrees, twenty minutes north, four-three degrees, nine minutes east. (Exhales cathartically.) You don’t need to do the confidentiality thing if you don’t feel like it.
Supermarket
CLASSMATE: Pete Hegseth! Haven’t seen you since high school!
HEGSETH: How’s it hanging, Kemosabe?
CLASSMATE: Same old same old. Of course, I know everything you’ve been up to.
HEGSETH: Well, not everything. (Smiles with pursed lips, raises eyebrows, bobs head to indicate possession of a juicy secret he’s dying to tell someone.) Let me add you to this Signal chat called “Indo-Pacific Theatre—Da Boyeeezzz.”
CLASSMATE: Um, I don’t think I should be on that.
HEGSETH: It’s cool, trust me.
CLASSMATE: I really don’t want to get in trouble for—
HEGSETH (“accidentally” stumbles, holds up phone to classmate’s face, and exposes Notes app document titled “TOP Secret—No Girls Allowed!!!”): Oh, no, I’ve inadvertently revealed my super-classified military stuff, which any civilian would acknowledge is next-level sick!
Press conference
JOURNALIST: Did you share war plans with people without proper clearance?
HEGSETH: War plans? Absolutely not.
JOURNALIST: What would you call shouting in the D.M.V., “I’m not saying that CENTCOM is authorizing a force-projection exercise in the northern Arabian Gulf just before the start of ‘Fox and Friends,’ but I’m not not saying it”?
HEGSETH: Did I mention it would include amphibious landing rehearsals, coördinated air support from Carrier Air Wing 7, and joint interdiction missions against high-value maritime targets? Nope.
JOURNALIST: So when would it technically be “war plans”?
HEGSETH: What else do you want to know, guys? That the PIN to enter my office at the Pentagon is 0606—my birthday? That the nuclear launch codes are in my desk drawer, the unlocked one labelled “Nuclear Launch Codes (Don’t Lose)”? How’s about that my daughter has a serious crush on Tommy Jenkins, but she won’t make the disclosure until she has verified intel from his best friend that he like-likes her and doesn’t just like her as a friend?
JOURNALIST: You’re revealing, in a press conference, that your daughter has a crush on Timmy Jenkins?
HEGSETH (sighs): Tommy Jenkins—get your facts straight, fellas. No further questions until after tomorrow’s H-bomb attack.
JOURNALIST: There’s going to be a hydrogen-bomb attack tomorrow?
HEGSETH: And you just leaked it. This is why no one trusts the media. ♦
