Dear David Cronenberg,
Please don’t stop making movies! Not before hearing my pitch for a truly messed-up body-horror masterpiece. All I have so far are characters and a setting, but I feel like we can work out the rest in “post.”
OPEN ON: Zara headquarters, in Arteixo, Spain, where the brains behind the fast-fashion brand are plotting their next line of cute-looking yet uniquely ill-fitting clothing creations.
ENTER: THE FIT MODELS. Some slink, others ooze, the rest slither. These are the models Zara uses to determine how clothing should fit human people like you and me.
The first fit model is Jane-Ann (size: Small). She has a ninety-eight-inch inseam, shoulders as wide as a chest of drawers, and her fettuccine arms droop along her sides without the traction of any underarm fat. Ever since Jane-Ann shed her exoskeleton and got her pinchers sanded down, she has been considered by fashion designers to be a ten. But don’t worry—not, like, a size ten!
When we meet Jane-Ann, Zara designers are measuring her for a white T-shirt—a staple that will sell year-round. You know the kind: cotton or cotton-like, scoop-neck, cap sleeves, should fall about three inches below the navel. Speaking of navels, Jane-Ann has three of them. They bisect her abdomen and trail up to her sternum. Alternating between them are nipples! That’s right: Jane-Ann’s torso boasts six protrusions in a vertical line just to the left of center, where the buttons of a women’s dress shirt are traditionally placed. One less measuring task for the seamstress? Sounds like fast fashion to me!
Margaret, our next Zara fit model, is a perfect Zara Medium and is the “pants girl” at the Big Z; responsible for modelling every pair of jeans, chinos, and trousers, to insure that once they get to a fitting room near you, they are ready to make you cry. One time, Zara’s resident engineer figured out how to get a pair of shorts on Margaret and it was basically a miracle considering how wide a thigh gap she has. I mean, we’re talking departure and arrival train platforms with the world’s most fat-free crotch in between.
I’d be remiss not to mention Margaret’s feet—they are as thin and pointy as the tiny bananas that hang on the outside of their bunches like quotation marks. You see, long ago, the founder of Zara swore to Margaret’s parents: “Your daughter’s feet shall never fall out of those tootsie-boats people like to call ‘shoes that fit most women.’ There will always be a pair of pointy-as-a-shiv-toed, slingback kitten-heels ready for Margaret’s sickle–shaped trotters in my shop!” (Note: Let’s explore the relationship between Mr. Zara and Margaret’s parents in the movie. Not sure why he was so beholden to them.)
Finally, Arlene is here! At five inches tall—and six inches tall when she’s propped up and wearing a hat—Arlene is a Zara XL. And sure, if you go strictly by her taxonomy, she is a sea slug. But you’d never know it from that snatched waist. Arlene was bisected by an orthodontic rubber band when she was still a larva, so she’s got an enviable “hour-and-a-half-glass” figure. Hubba-hubba.
Arlene’s soft, slimy décolletage may be seen peeking out of some lower-cut numbers, like Zara’s summer staple, the “crêpe-adjacent halter dress,” designed to fit snugly around where Arlene’s neck would be if her mantle didn’t flow directly into her radula. I’m going to be honest—the straps are a little short, even for Arlene. But she feels sexy in it, and maybe one day Team Zara will figure out a way for the fabric to get wet without catching on fire (?!) so that Arlene can return to the ocean and visit her friends and family.
Anyway, these are our three main characters—each more body-horrific than the last. Are you ready to cast these gals in some kooky scenarios set in the jet-set world of cheap clothes for trendy women who, for the most part, can’t really fit into them? I’m sure we can shoot Toronto for Arteixo.
Thank you, Mr. Cronenberg! And, for the record, I really like Zara’s coats. ♦
