Today’s practice is designed to help you relax, reset, and build strength for the impending American civil war. Let’s begin by getting off social media. Please—it’s not helping. O.K., fine, go ahead and post one more flying cat meme. I’ll wait.
Now sit tall, with your legs crossed, or remain curled up in the fetal position—sorry, the unborn person position, as I’m now legally required to call it. Close your eyes and draw your attention inward. Notice your breath. Is it shallow and panicked? That’s O.K. It’s just your body reacting naturally to the rapid erosion of civil liberties in real time.
Breathe in through your nose, and exhale out through your mouth, releasing any tension you may still be holding after watching footage of a sitting U.S. senator being forcefully dragged out of a press conference by the Department of Homeland Security.
Feel your breath as it flows in and out. Let your shoulders melt. You are safe here, as long as you’re a white, natural-born, English-speaking U.S. citizen who has never publicly or privately (don’t forget we live in a digital-surveillance state!) criticized the U.S. government under President Trump.
Now drop your right ear to your right shoulder. Roll your chin slowly over to your left shoulder. It’ll help muffle the sound of military helicopters overhead.
Next, come onto your knees, hips about a shoulder-width apart. Let your arms drift behind you, as if they’re cuffed—elbows drawn gently toward one another, like you’re a Mexican grandmother being detained by anonymous masked men for the crime of waiting for a bus without carrying proof of citizenship. Pause here. Feel that stretch in your shoulders, and in your capacity to still be shocked, six months into Trump’s second term.
Pause in child’s pose. Forehead on the mat, arms extended forward. Remember when we all thought the problem was plastic straws?
Now sit up and let your hips sink back. Feel the ground beneath you, which I’m told has been sold by the federal government to private entities for mineral rights. Also, I hope you’re vaccinated because I just found out that someone in the last class has tested positive for measles.
Slowly lower yourself onto your back, legs extended, head on the mat, arms by your sides, and palms facing up for savasana. This is a posture of total inaction—it’s also called “corpse pose,” or “Congress.” Take a deep breath in, and, as you exhale, allow your body to collapse into the floor like a peaceful protester who just took a rubber bullet to the head. Stay here for as long as you like living in a proto-fascist police state.
Now open your eyes. Great work, everybody. You showed up! That’s half the battle, the other half is being fought by seven hundred marines and two thousand National Guardsmen deployed to downtown L.A. “for your safety.”
When you’re ready, gently return to a seated position. Place your hands on your heart—or instead, let’s keep them visible. ICE is at the door. We’re being raided. I gotta run. Namas—Actually, I’m not sure I feel safe speaking another language in public right now. ♦
